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 Another very small step. Calling myself out on excuses I've used, and still use for NOT taking action.

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Sydrian
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PostSubject: Another very small step. Calling myself out on excuses I've used, and still use for NOT taking action.   Sun Aug 30, 2009 11:50 am

Well, I sort of took a step forward. I failed miserably, but it was still something I've never done before. Anyway, I was at the bar, trying to muster up the balls to open a single/set. I bullshit with a few guys here and there, something I normally avoid, just trying to get into a more social frame of mind. Eventually I happen to end up next to a HB7. Small, pert, blonde, basically my type. I didn't flow with the 3 second rule, so shame on me for that one, but I did eventually try to open her. Unfortunately when I tried to address her, a waitress flew by they both took it like I was addressing the waitress instead. Shame on me yet again for not trying to open her again, but I take a small concession in the fact until then I've never even TRIED to open a girl in a bar. I at least dipped my toes into the water for the first time. On another note I've accepted the fact that I am flat out intimated by HB8+s. I guess a few HB9/10 ljbfs to desensitize myself wouldn't hurt. Tonight may of not been a victory of any sort, but it was a small step on a long road. Finally a sign of forward progress, but there was still plenty of sets I didn't even try to open. Not to mention a few sets that were asking to be opened.

I figured calling myself out for some excuses I use, or have used in the past is a good idea, so here are a few:
  • Women make "the game" hard. Women don't make it hard, I make it hard.
  • Bad luck with women doesn't exist. That has always been an excuse I use.
  • Another excuse I've used, is that my town is cliquey. While somewhat true, it is still an excuse, and doesn't prevent success.
  • I used to say "i can't" in my head. Now I ask my self "why am I still standing here". It's still the same excuse, just put in nicer clothes.
  • I used to think girls don't dig "geeks". That is of course yet another excuse I used. One completely fabricated and fostered by the geek culture.
  • I used to be self conscious about my image. Too skinny, uncomfortable with my body hair. I eventually grew into my frame, and wtf did I ever worry about the body hair? Never had any girls complain about it, some even prefer it.
  • For that matter, "I'm intimidated by HB8+s", is just another excuse. Fact is, there is no reason to be intimidated, they're just people like everyone else.


Just like to say thanks to everyone on the forum here. Having somewhere to spill my thoughts really helps me sort through things. Even if I am a bit slow on the uptake.
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LaRockStar
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PostSubject: Re: Another very small step. Calling myself out on excuses I've used, and still use for NOT taking action.   Sun Aug 30, 2009 10:18 pm

Sydrian,

You must look at the positives. I'm on the outside looking in but you accomplished things that most AFCs wouldn't even attempt. You went to a bar, on a Saturday night, by yourself.

My bigger question in all this is why was the single set alone?
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Ka
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PostSubject: Re: Another very small step. Calling myself out on excuses I've used, and still use for NOT taking action.   Sun Aug 30, 2009 10:43 pm

Sydrian, good job man, give yourself a big pat on the back. Just going to bar used to be hard for me, as i suffer from clinical depression and sevre social anxiety. Then you took it a step further and made an attempt to talk to a girl, which 99% of guys do not do.

Excuses have their grounds, but that doesnt mean that they should keep you from doing what you want/need. Life is hard, that doesnt mean we dont go on with life...so why should any other aspect of life be outside of that?

Even in a small town, you can easily validate things in your head by thinking "I dont ever have to see these people again". Honestly you dont...you have complete control over where you go and when...so if by some far stretch you make a fool of yourself at a certain place...who cares you can live the rest of your life and those people you will never see again. Even if you do see them later down the road...they will probably not even remember you anyway.

I still make the excuss's, the difference is that we push those excuss's out of the way and replace them with motivation...When im out i dont think to myself that girls hot, she scares me...i think that girls attractive, i want to talk to her to see if there is more then meets the eye. It becomes about what i want...i want to talk, i want to make out, i wana take her home...how she reacts doesnt matter to me. As the saying goes gotta play to win, so the logical thing for me to do to get what i want is approach, if it doesnt work out at least i tried, and im satisfied...otherwise id walk around for a while wishing id had done something.

Sydrian, youd be surprised what 1 or 2 girls as friends will do for you. They honestly dont even have to be hot, they can be eh as long as they are social and present themselves nicely. Just being seen out with other girls will make you that much more confident and you will start to get opened. Ive seen this happen first hand, its amazing and surprising. Having girls as ljbf's isnt a bad thing, as long as they are friends on your terms.

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Sydrian
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PostSubject: Re: Another very small step. Calling myself out on excuses I've used, and still use for NOT taking action.   Mon Aug 31, 2009 5:31 am

Ka wrote:
Excuses have their grounds....

I was more calling myself out on the excuses, so that I'll try to avoid using them in the future, but point taken. You know, accepting the fact that they are just that. Excuses. Not facts, or flaws, or any of that other bullshit we tell ourselves. For me, right now, more than anything, I need to change habits, including the habit of using excuses.
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Ka
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PostSubject: Re: Another very small step. Calling myself out on excuses I've used, and still use for NOT taking action.   Wed Sep 02, 2009 2:03 am

Yes and my point is that excusses, just like some you used, can have a very solid ground in reality. The difference is that you have to change the behavior, realizing that the excusses are valid, but dont overide the need to act regardless of them. As my example with life is hard...its an excuss, its very true, but it does not stop a normal person from living day to day.

Instead of thinking of the excusses at that time, you need to change your mindset to do a "reverse excuse"...thats what ill call it.

Ill give you examples;

Ex: "Shes hot, im intimidated"
RE: "Shes hot, i want to find out if she has a personality"

Ex: "I cant do it"
RE: "If i dont do this, ill spend the rest of the day wishing i had"

Ex: "My town is small/cliquey, etc"
RE: "Im never gonna see these people again, so who cares what they think"

Notice how each Reverse excuss has you as the main subject, not a place, a feeling, or another person.

See the idea i tried to convey last post was that its fine to make the excusses...the process of making that excuss can be useful, you just have to direct it and make its energy positive or productive. In other words use it to motivate yourself.

Ultimatly if you chnge your mindset to be more about you and what you want, this process will change.

For instance i had made an excuss myself the other week, "Whats the point, im leaving cali in a week anyway". Then i changed that to "I have a whole week to enjoy new people before i go back, i cant miss them if i never meet them". This helped me open up a hot chick running a stand by the beach and a few other girls over the coarse of the week.

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Sydrian
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PostSubject: Re: Another very small step. Calling myself out on excuses I've used, and still use for NOT taking action.   Wed Sep 02, 2009 2:07 am

Ka wrote:
Yes and my point is that excusses, just like some you used, can have a very solid ground in reality.....See the idea i tried to convey last post was that its fine to make the excusses..........the process of making that excuss can be useful, you just have to direct it and make its energy positive or productive. In other words use it to motivate yourself.

Thanks for clarifying. I defiantly didn't get what you were trying to say the first time around.
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Ka
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PostSubject: Re: Another very small step. Calling myself out on excuses I've used, and still use for NOT taking action.   Thu Sep 03, 2009 12:15 am

No worries, it happens. Hopefully you see the point im trying to make. Use it to motivate yourself, the process of making the excuss doesnt have to go away, it never will...what needs to change is your mindset, then the excuss will be directed at what will happen if you dont do something, not the reasons to keep you from doing it.

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L.A. Tripp
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PostSubject: Re: Another very small step. Calling myself out on excuses I've used, and still use for NOT taking action.   Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:00 pm

Sydrian, you're right, it truly is all about changing habits. And, you're on the right track for that now. Next step . . . coming out with me, lol.

Ka, I know you know I appreciate your input, but still thanks for helping here. By the way, why going back to Philly?

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