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LaRockStar
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PostSubject: Life Post PUA w/ Pua?   Tue Dec 29, 2009 8:24 am

So as everybody knows I'm "officially" in a relationship. Exclusive. Seems awesome.

I'm finding out that the issues I still have - haven't gone away since the GF. They are bubbling up to the service, even more. I'm assuming this still stems from a major lack of inner game.

For example, when I see her or am around her - everything is gravy. It's when she is out with her girlfriends or heading to bed - that the thoughts creep into my head. Perhaps there is somebody else. Perhaps I did something wrong.

When she texts me w/out saying Petnames... I find my self re-reading my old texts that perhaps I said something rude or wrong - and the lack of petnames is foreshadowing our breakup.

Then there is the flip side.

I don't know why I think like this either: ... her parents, love me. Friends, adore me. That would be enough for a normal guy. But me, now I'm thinking she will stay with me just because of approval rating or that she isn't going to find anyone better.

Is this just a learning experience to figure each other out?
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Ka
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PostSubject: Re: Life Post PUA w/ Pua?   Tue Dec 29, 2009 10:59 am

No, your being the "normal guy"...most guys think of these things and its not healthy. It has nothing to do with her, your relationship or anything else aside from you confidence and ego.

To be honest, im not sure of the details of how you got into this relationship, but i think based on your mindset and the growth you Need as a person, that you probably should have stayed single and figured it out.

Being in a relationship means that you have to share part of yourself with someone, and they have to share part of themselves with you...how can anyone do this when they have identity issues? I dont mean  traditional "who am i?" issues like how will i dress, who will i vote for...i mean much deeper abstract issues like "why do i think this way?" or "what should i change about myself, what shouldnt i?".

Consider things from a logical perspective...what if she is out cheating and doing all the messed up stuff your thinking? Does worrying about it accomplish anything? Or is it more likely that regardless of how you feel shes going to act the way she wants to act, and its 100% upto her if thats positive or negative in regards to you. That being the case, arent you better off enjoying what you do have with her, and if the day comes that you do find out shes messing around...then you handle it like a man, you break things off and move on with life.

You have to condition yourself to have a mindframe like this, not only for relationships but for many things...while its a normal reaction to worry in many situations, it simply isnt logical or productive in scenarios where everything is out of our control.

You need to find something you can do when your mind starts to think like this, a line you repeat to yourself, a nlp technique, simply finding something to do to occupy your time, etc.

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L.A. Tripp
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PostSubject: Re: Life Post PUA w/ Pua?   Tue Dec 29, 2009 9:09 pm

Ka is right. And, we pounded this into you BEFORE you acquired the "label" that you currently have. And, in reality, that's what this boils down to right now, is that you two are labeled. Period.

Now you see that the label is NOT enough for you. You were content, actually thrilled with it, at first. Now it's not enough. Nothing, nothing, nothing will ever be enough until you find who YOU are. You don't know who you are. And you've been running from yourself. You will continue to run from yourself unless you take personal responsibility for yourself and change that, NOW.

I know an adult with child that is the same way. Constantly, constantly running from them self. Guess what, the kid is being taught the same damn thing. "I don't have to take personal responsibility for myself. I'll have people bend and curve to me and my needs all my life."

The world doesn't work that way. You've STARTED seeing how life is hard and actually can suck. Believe me, man, you've ONLY skimmed the surface of that awareness. There's so much that's deeper than that, you are in no way ready for what's there.

As I said, Ka is right on this. I personally don't believe you were ready for this relationship either. But, you were ready for the label, or so you thought, and you were so tired and fed up with being alone that literally ANYTHING was better than that . . . in your mind.

You have to know who you are. That's what I've been pounding into your head for a long time. THIS is evidence that you never got that part done. Insecurity is bred when you don't know who you are.

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Sydrian
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PostSubject: Re: Life Post PUA w/ Pua?   Tue Dec 29, 2009 9:52 pm

I'll have to back Tripp up on this. I may have my hangups, but I've found my sense of self. I've never really had these types of issues in the past few relationships I've had. I would guess at least PART of this would stem from the fact that if you don't know who you are, you're going to define yourself in terms of other people, or your possessions instead of yourself. If you start defining yourself by your relationship, your going to feel a need for a lot of "extra" validation from your partner. You basicly even describe that as what's happening. When your around her, your fine. When she txts you without using pet names, thus not giving validation that exact moment, it bothers you.

That being said, when you find your sense of self, that can be a powerfully attractive thing. I'm piecing together here recently that is probly my most attractive trait. I have no shame for who I am, and I make no excuses out of it. Hell I even have a "routine" where I flat out tell people I'm a geek, which 99% of the time the reaction is "no your not". Then I'll flip the switch and tell them that "Yes I Am", and how that is a GOOD thing. Mind you I never thought of it as a routine until I started reading about PUA, but it's actually a passable DHV routine. Being able to say "This is me: take it, or leave it", it's a good thing. When you can do this, then women have to validate themselves to you. They have to show how they can fit in your world.
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Ka
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PostSubject: Re: Life Post PUA w/ Pua?   Wed Dec 30, 2009 6:59 am

I also neglected to mention, its my personal belief that in a relationship, since both sides have to "share" themselves, there is an obvious shedding of certain walls and that makes people vulnerable.

As Sydrian pointed out, when you know who you are this doesnt bother you, because regardless of what vulnerabilities may be taken advantage of, it doesnt define you....on the flip side if you define yourself by a car, by money, by women, or friends, etc...well then they have the power to take advantage of your ultimate weakness...changing YOU...thats what drives you to be scared and worried, that underlying knowledge that if things dont go exactly according to your ideal concepts (they never do) then your world crumbles.

I take what Sydrian said a step further even...i have no secrets. If i dont keep anything from anyone, then they have no leverage against me. However, even greater, i never lie to myself. In staying as unbiased and honest as possible (with myself and others) i add another layer of protection to my identity. No one will dig up dirt or recall exclusive details about me that can be used to shatter my image between different persons. This means i have to be able to accept my strengths and weakness's. I do this by either seeing the positive that can come from my negative traits, or by using them to motivate me to change...

And that brings me to my last point. For everyone life is a never ending quest for perfection which is not obtainable yet still worthy of pursuit. At some point along that path i believe a major milestone is discovering who you are. The mid life crisis of the 1950's took place in your 40's, the same thing happens now for most people in their 20's to 30's. To me thats the exact point where someone introspects and asks the important question, "Am i happy with who i am?" and looks back on their life and looks forward to their future. Needless to save the majority of us arent and thats good...if by then we are exactly who we ought to be, whats the point in living a long life?

So, last thing ill say is im by no means saying to end your relationship. Ride it out to whatever end may come, but dont latch onto it and do not let your relationship or any other action, person, or thing be the determining factor in who you are.

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PostSubject: Re: Life Post PUA w/ Pua?   Wed Dec 30, 2009 8:23 am

Ka wrote:
I also neglected to mention, its my personal belief that in a relationship, since both sides have to "share" themselves, there is an obvious shedding of certain walls and that makes people vulnerable.
And this is something that scares the HELL out of some people.
Quote :

As Sydrian pointed out, when you know who you are this doesnt bother you, because regardless of what vulnerabilities may be taken advantage of, it doesnt define you....on the flip side if you define yourself by a car, by money, by women, or friends, etc...well then they have the power to take advantage of your ultimate weakness...changing YOU...thats what drives you to be scared and worried, that underlying knowledge that if things dont go exactly according to your ideal concepts (they never do) then your world crumbles.
And there are people in their 50's and 60's that STILL live this way. There is NO way you can TRULY enjoy each day when you live like this. It makes you paranoid, judgmental, and in general a shitty person to be around. And when things crumble, as they always inevitably will (because that IS life), the monster comes out of these people.

So don't wait till then to change it . . .

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Alpha: "Come here, now."
AFC: "Would you mind coming here please, if it's not too much trouble?"

You have one shot, and it's in the first 3 seconds.
Make her qualify herself to YOU.

Don't back down from the girl. CHALLENGE her!
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Fortunehooks1
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PostSubject: Re: Life Post PUA w/ Pua?   Thu Dec 31, 2009 8:38 am

Firstly, congrats on the relationship. I had no clue that new development had taken place in your life. Sadly, It's imperative that I side with the rest on this issue. Larock, you my friend on these said boards showed no signs of a person who needed to bring another into their life for a long term forseeable future.

Now, I do think that you can grow with the right person having a positive influence in your life even if you are hashing things out in your life. And that is made by Ka, stating that walls have to be torn down in order for this to take place. In your current state, when the walls come tumbling down that usually spells curtains for you. Im pulling for you my friend, but just know that the journey has not ended. peace,lvoe and succe SS
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LaRockStar
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PostSubject: Re: Life Post PUA w/ Pua?   Tue Jan 05, 2010 11:20 pm

I hope all of you had a happy New Year. Figured I'd give you a little update.

First off I wanted to say thanks for the advice/support and just to say - I hate it when all of you guys are right.

I really thought that the "GF" would solve the inner game issues I have but in reality they just made them worse. What I have learned is this goes FAR beyond women, attraction, and orgasms. No matter what the success I had with women was going to be - this was going to come up.

Now I'm not sure how intertwined my previous relationships and my self confidence issues are, but it is definitely ruining the happy moments in my life right now.

A good example is she eats dinner w/ her parents every Monday night. She usually gets home about 9. I sent her a text at 930 saying goodnight, how was dinner, etc. I got no reply. I actually THOUGHT about driving to her house to see if there was another strange car in her driveway or what. Why would I do that - I don't know. But the fact I even thought about it is the sad part.

If I continue this path of needing constant validation - I'm never going to be happy. Ever.
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